Lee (enajra) wrote in chubbyartchicks,
Lee
enajra
chubbyartchicks

I'm not sure if this is okay to post but being female I believe all females who have waxed or some related experience needs to read this. It is funny and a little painful to memory.
Li.


WAX is "Not your Friend"

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of
easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair
and now...the
wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight.   Come
home, fix dinner,
play
with the kids.   I then had the thought that would
ring painfully in my
mind
for the next few hours:   "Maybe I should pull the
waxing kit out of
the
medicine cabinet."   So I headed to the site of my
demise:  the
bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits.   No melting a
clump of hot wax,
you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
warm and you peel
them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull the
hair
right off.   No muss, no fuss.   How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not
a
genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out.   Its two strips
facing each
other
stuck together.   Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in
so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!)   I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin
around it
tight and pull.   It works!   OK, so it wasn't the
best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad.   I can do this!   Hair removal no
longer eludes me!
I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin
extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.   After checking
on the kids, I
sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship.
I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side
of my bikini
line,
covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching
down to the
inside of
my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!   Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!!!   Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half the strip.
OH
NO!   What have I done???!!!   Another deep breath and
RRIIPP!!
Everything
is swirly and spotted.   I think I may pass out...must
stay
conscious...  Do
I hear crashing drums???   Breathe, breathe...OK, back
to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused
me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.   I want
to revel in the
glory
that is my triumph over body hair.   I hold up the
strip!   There's no
hair
on it.   Where is the hair???   WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet.   I see
the
hair.   The hair that should be on the strip.   I
touch.   I am
touching
wax.   WHAT?!   I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my
body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
still propped up
on
the toilet?   I know I need to do something.   So I
put my foot down.
My
LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!!   I hear the slamming of
a cell door.
*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!   Butt??   Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and
think
to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
 My head may pop
off!"   What can I do to melt the wax?   Hot water!!
Hot water melts
wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in,
immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off,
right???   WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to
torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I
sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued
together is
having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water.   Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had
cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone
put
in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some
secret
of how to get me undone.   It's a very good
conversation starter - "So,
my
butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!"

There is a slight pause.   She doesn't know any secret
tricks for
removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me.   She
wants to know
exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.   I
give her the
rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!!   Right!!   I should be the joke of someone
else's night.

While we go through various solutions.   I resort to
scraping the wax
off
with a razor.   Nothing feels better then to have your
girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and
then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.   What
do I really have
to
lose at this point?   I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care.   "IT
WORKS!! It works!!"
I
get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my
grief
and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off.   Heck, I'm numb by now.
 Nothing hurts.
I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would
hope that I
would not
have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I
used everything
that
you gave me"

~ Erma Bombeck

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